Two major events have been dominating my mind for the last couple of weeks: The (very successful) Stompology 2008 weekend, and the astonishing fact that I... have joined a gym.
Second thing first: For the last few years I have been getting more flabby and less motivated (and anyone who knows me is aware that my motivation levels were never that high to begin with). So my friend Mike and I formed a pact and signed up with the RIT Athletic Center.
Obviously I need to start slow. I will admit right now that I have never been in shape ever in my entire life. I am the only person I know (presumably without a disability) who has actually failed Phys Ed in high school. I have never done a successful push-up or pull-up, nor run a mile in under ten minutes. So I don’t expect to turn into Matthew McConaughey or anything, I am looking forward to at least not feeling as self-conscious if I happen to be wearing a t-shirt I bought in college.
I’ll be taking it slow at first, but the difficult part is going to be sticking to it, of course. I believe that the fact that I’ve actually paid for it will help motivate me, but mostly it will be Mike and I dragging each other there that will keep us both sticking to it. Mike has some athletics in his past so I will be looking to him to keep me in a constant state of jealousy/persistence.
This past weekend was the latest Stompology Jazz Weekend. The weekend itself, for those attending, was fantastic. We really pulled it together well, having only a month since our last big event, even though it’s still not quite as big as I’d like it to be.
For me, the weekend was exhausting, and not from taking any classes or doing any dancing. The exhaustion is all from the organizational stress that I’ve come to dread during these events. I took no classes and did very little dancing, because for me this was just another drop in enthusiasm. Every day and week and month and year for the last five years or so has been a steady decline in the joy that Lindy Hop brings me.
What grows instead is frustration at myself and envy towards those that continue to feel inspired and excited by the dance. In particular I am vexed by those who I once considered my peers but I now see as victors. I’m beginning to reassess my initial attraction to this, and to wonder exactly what my reasons were for involvement from the beginning. It’s a time of very difficult self-examination.
Maybe I need a break, but I could argue that I’ve been taking a break for a long time now as my involvement recedes. I honestly don’t see anything that can cause me to feel any confidence or even desire anytime soon.
Perhaps it’s related to my general laziness. Only time will tell what my new routine will bring.
I know saying this won’t make you feel it, but I danced with a lot of those ‘victors’ over the weekend, and they were great, but the dances that you and I had will be among the handful of dances that I take with me. I am no superstar, myself, so maybe it doesn’t mean much, but sos you know…
And good luck with the gym time! You will be great!
Why not stop organizing but keep dancing? That much organizing would wear anyone down. And maybe traveling to dance would give you a boost?
I have a great time dancing with you and I think you mega underestimate yourself. I hope you find that spark again.